Monday Night Football - 2026 Fantasy Preview - Week 2
A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will HAVE HOBO JOHNSON’S TINY DESK OF PEACH SCONE PLAYED AT THEIR FUNERAL
Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight
After an abnormally high-scoring week 1 (team avg 127 pts), each of you has made worse starting decisions in week 2 en route to an average of ~114 pts per team. Never mind that the league-wide ppg fell from 49.5 to 40.9 from week 1 to week 2 - it’s very important that everyone takes responsibility and feels bad, and ideally - projects a bit of that onto their nearby loved ones. With 5/6 matchups just about wrapped up heading into MNF, a lighter than usual chat banter is projected for Monday night. Timely, as Meta just redirected all but one of their remaining messenger.com servers to the upcoming release of their new AI-powered virtual reality slop network. Think you are sitting in a boardroom, Cisco webex style, able to scroll reels with your real life pointer finger, but all the reels are a team in rural Japan, acting out whatever Nick has messaged to @meta-ai. Welcome to the MNFP.
Games
(1-0) New York Giants @ (0-1) Los Angeles Rams
- 8:15 PM EST / 5:15 PM PST / 4:15 PM AKDT / 12:15 PM NZST (Tuesday)
- Line: LAR -7, O/U 47.5
Matchups
✅ 99% - 35.75 points: Robotripping Gardener (1-0) vs Rub a dub lost the Chubb (1-0)
Matt #1’s faintest remnant of a Chubb was put in a hydraulic press as the powertripping gardener rode bobblehead Olave and squatty body Mahomes to 50 pts, en route to the projected BIGGEST BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK sponsored by the alpha school - “imagine if we could give your kid AI psychosis before he learns how to speak!” Kyren Williams is still remaining for Robo to add insult to injury tonight. Matt #1 was one of three undefeateds who fell this week - leaving Hy and Keith to join Patrick as the biggest current threats and most likely to steal a flyball from a child, after they’ve caught it fair and square.
✅ 99% - 32.35 points: MELONHEADS (daniel) (0-1) vs Zen Buddha Boys 🪷💨 (0-1)
After a barnstorming 130pt week 1 (loss) - Sky has returned to the bottom of the table, with a league-low 89 pt effort vs the MELONHEADS. After getting burned by Colston Loveland once, the Zen Buddha Boys offered him a shot at redemption - and boy did he deliver. The quirked up white boy OBLITERATED his previous total (0 -> 0.8 pts) in addition to injuries to Caleb Williams, Zay Flowers, and Nico Collins. All in a day’s work for God’s forgotten son. Meanwhile, Dan will trot out the Pachycephalosaurus himself - Cam Skattebo, to see if he can snatch this week’s biggest blowout and help Sky out of his curse, with a NEW NAME. I am also obligated to disclose that Dan is currently in shotgun debt 🍺🔫 - one of the worst crimes in most prison hierarchies.
✅ 99% - 18.48 points: BDSM AI Stealth Founder (1-0) vs James Ray Ervin Yonts (0-1)
The Kink-Hy Trinket is likely to move to 2-0 despite a 30 piece and about 100 Lowes commercials from Dak. Not only that, but James Ray once again picked the wrong TE and is therefore currently mentally vulnerable to exploit on the trade block. Not only that, but the Chiefs D turned in a -.5pt stinker on SNF to earn Jam his first BAD RULE? NAH… BAD YOU 🍺🔫 of the season. Not only that, but if Isaiah Likely goes off like he did in week one, look for a dark horse threatening of the week’s biggest blowout and devastating RENAME to be levied against the honorable Yonts family name. Not only that, but Kyler Murray’s season pt total is rapidly approaching 1 (currently .82 pts). Look for Hy to be poundtowning the waiver wire in search of a QB better than Drake Maye shortly.
✅ 100% - 17.91 points: Tuten Brown (1-0) vs one sec I’m COOKing (1-0)
Keith only managed to outscore 3 teams this week, but fortunately - 1 of those teams was his opponent, in this week’s collective lowest scoring matchup. Lowlights also included Scott’s Dallas Gogurt squeezing out a feeble .9 pts on a single catch to stave off a shotgun. Look for Keith to continue to rely on Jonathan Taylor to score a higher and higher percentage of his team’s total pt share, and for Scott to pray the vikings find someone who can throw the ball to Justin Jefferson more than 5x per game. These two teams also had the lowest scoring benches in the league this week - with 17 and 21 pts respectively.
✅ 100% - 10.94 points: Kiwis are mid (0-1) vs Silly Shrek Squad (1-0)
In a matchup that featured the #1 and #2 individual scoring efforts so far this season, it was Josh Allen’s 46 piece that outlasted JSN’s pedestrian 40 piece as the NZ Defence Force laid siege to Shrek’s swamp. The squatters were promised to be as good as gone (fewer rights in the kingdom of Far Far Away vs SF municipal squatter law), but one of them by the name of DJ Moore was able to lose a single rushing yard, before promptly getting injured and immediately going on benefits. That -.1 performance meant that Nick’s divine mandate to maintain a constant buzz will continue, until morale improves - with back to back guzzles on tap 🍺🔫 for the belligerent, petulant, yet loveable commish.
74% - 11.63 points: RosterMogged (0-1) vs Nabers? I hardly know hers (0-1)
It’s only taken 2 weeks for K9, the athletic spartan alumnus, to build an 80yd lead in this year’s overall rushing race. Unfortunately for reigning champion Alex, that means that his team namesake will need to overcome a deficit of 12 pts and THEN outscore Davante Adams with the remaining point surplus. For context, Malik scored 11pts in week 1 - which 4/10 LLMs agree is < 12. Quinlan will be rooting for a pornographic start come monday night - that is to say, one with various Nabers, knocking on your door, early and often - asking to borrow some sugar. Nic Cage is set to star as Madden and one of these two managers is set to star as Sadden, it’s the MNFP.
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