Monday Night Football - 2025 Fantasy Preview - Week 9
A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will BE CHURNED INTO BUTTER AND SERVED AT THE WINNER’S BANQUET
Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight
It’s Monday night, which means the nation is once again being held hostage by the Dallas Cowboys in prime time. We got NickelDak Prescott vs Jacoby “Banished to the wire” Brisset. Everyone is hoping for an all-time shootout. Except for “injured” Kyler Murray. With records so meh, I’m not even sure if this game matters. If the insulae cares to chime in today, know that I will have clocked out by the time you are reading this.
Games
(2–5) Arizona Cardinals @ (3–4–1) Dallas Cowboys
- 8:15 PM ET / 5:15 PM PT
- Line: DAL –3
Matchups
99% – 34.46 points: GADSDEN Godsend (4–4) vs Mulch Is NOT Yummy (4–4)
In the first of the already decided matchups, we have GADSDEN Godsend vs Mulch Is NOT Yummy. Drake London returned from his “bye” week vacation to with a whopper and 33% TD rate on 9 receptions leaving Kyle Pitts of despair looking for sustenance. The only thing up in the air is if Dak Prescott outscores Michael Carter by enough to lay down the DAIRY OF DESTRUCTION: 2% EDITION.
99% – 34.24 points: Milk Men (4–4) vs Not NOT in the Epstein Files (2–6)
Second up in the all but decided. We have Milk Men vs Not NOT in the Epstein Files. Milk Men riding the pair of RBs and the most boring 25 pt outing by Kyle “Poke” Monangai after not scoring one of the six touchdowns. Skylar will need Jake Ferguson to score 44 points vs the Milk Men. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but Skylar is making sure a delivery of mothers milk is sent to the the Dallas Locker room.
79% – 16.33 points: YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN (5–3) vs Hot Gibby’s French Fries (7–1)
Alrighty then, we’ve got our first truly entertaining matchup. Since this league only thrives on misery and shattered hopes, YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN finds themselves in the upset driver’s seat against Hot Gibby’s French Fries. Both squads will desperately hope Jacoby Brissett relentlessly feeds their guy — whether it’s Marvin “Is he a bust yet” Harrison Jr. for YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN or Trey “Father of” McBride for Hot Gibby’s French Fries — and maybe, just maybe, deliver the chaos this league secretly craves.
67% – 11.01 points: Robotripping Gardener (5–3) vs Oof ouchie my dignity (3–5)
Next up, we’ve got a clash that promises to be equal parts spectacle and mild existential dread: Robotripping Gardener (5–3) vs Oof ouchie my dignity (3–5). Robo comes loaded with George Pickens and Brandon Aubrey. Oof, meanwhile, wields CeeDee Lamb. It’s all cowboys here in another close undecided matchup. Surely, this will be one of the most frustrating matchups to be a part of. Ceedee needs to outscore Pickens and Aubrey by 6 points.
67% – 5.89 points: Fully Brocked Up (5–3) vs Jonathon (4–4)
As things get closer we got Keith vs Jonothon. Wild that two teams playing each other make a big ol trade. Even better there aren’t any ragrets yet as Sun God and James “Let Him” Cook scored almost the exact same amount of points. An early lead sunday had, the Fully Brocked Up squad in a dark place. If only I had seen the behind the scenes footage of my namesake BIG BROCK BOWERS during the bye week. As the raiders bungled their way into OT, Brock had one message. Fully Brocked Up will need Javonte Williams to >9.52 points to cap the comeback.
99% – .86 points: My Chuba got Hubba’d (2–6) vs Blazed Balls (3–5)
Last but not least and not last no more, maybe. We got Matt holding a powerful 0.86 point strangle hold on Hy. He(y) got his balls blazed, glazed and tazed. Whoa… Anyways, what will Matt risk? A stat correction or a fumble benching from Bam Knight.
