Monday Night Football - 2025 Fantasy Preview - Week 3

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will RECIEVE 30 MINUTES OF HARBAUGH STYLE SHOULDER PAD SLAPS WHEN YOU ARE REALLY SLEEPY

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

Lions on MNF is like when you have to go to war against your brother. Do you slay them in cold blood, because a dictator told you so, or do you commit seppuku so as to not put your brother in the position to need to do it himself. That was an uncomfy sentence to write - which is fitting, as our pro lions league means a number of matchups will put our managers in an uncomfortable position tonight. Who will snatch their first win of the season? (hint: not Hy) Who will emerge as the new biggest threat? (well deserving of a heavy trade embargo) And WHO, my dear father, will die with honor - it’s the MNFP.

Games

(1–1) Detroit Lions @ (1–1) Baltimore Ravens

• 8:15 PM EST
• Line: BAL –4.5, O/U 53.5

Matchups

98% – 63.40 points: Hot Gibby’s French Fries (2–0) vs King in the D (1–1)

You typically do not want to be heading into MNF down 90 pts, especially when your opponent still has their RB1 and Kicker still to play - but Matt #1 is anything but typical. Like Peter Schiff & Michael Burry - he must know something we don’t. The undesputed king of the D is buying up all the credit default swaps (skill players in tonights game) he can get his hands on as he hopes the undisputed king of the B(altimore) + Jamo + Zaymo + Batesmo can make up the difference. Alex’s AWS advanced analytics are projecting that the absolute best case scenario for the daddy of distressed assets (Matt #1), is narrowly avoiding becoming this weeks I CANT FEEL MY FACE OFF THE DEVIL’S DANDRUFF Biggest Blow(out) of the week - but anything can happen on monday night. Alex very likely heads to the top of the league standings after this one - heavy tariffs are now being projected on polymarket.

✅ 100% – 22.22 points: Milk Men (1–1) vs Blazed Balls (0–2)

A glass of your least expensive milk for blazed balls as he falls to a NYGiants style 0-3 at the hands of the Milk Men. In a matchup that saw both sides exceed projections (positive GDP growth), it was Hurts/Mason/McCaffery that proved too much for Mr. Incredible in the end. The george pickens experience rambles on, seeking its first win in week 4, as blazed balls looks utterly lost out there without kyler murray. As for Nick and his yogurt yahoos - its looking like it will be raining milk for the forseeable future of the group chat.

✅ 100% – 20.75 points: YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN (1–1) vs Oof ouchie my dignity (1–1)

It was the double threat of an early CeeDee rom jam/injury and Travis Kelce exerting all his energy yelling at Andy Reid - having nothing left in the tank to catch a pass - that really did in the mysterious but “definitely a real person” dignitary from dallas (close enough) Diego. The crusading YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN moves into a sneaky 2-1 record, with only a few scuffs of his pewter chainmail. Look for Dan to continue his relgious rampage next week against the hedonistic honcho himself - Mr. Hy “Blazed Balls” Doan.

89% – 14.67 points: Mulch Is NOT Yummy (0–2) vs Double Dose of Milk Please (0–2)

Looking like a Hector Zeroni convention out here with this battle of zero win teams - but Matt #2 has nearly eaten enough dirt to earn a shower token and a potential first statement victory of this 2025 campaign. Matt #2 winning the league off an autodraft would mean we would finally need to face the reality that Yahoo is still a thriving, cutting edge technology company - that was totally wrong for letting a 15 year old british bloke boss around Patrick in 2014. Skylar will need rising star Lamar Jackson to go for 40 against the felines that ford built tonight to turn the tables.

77% – 13.32 points: James (2–0) vs Robotripping Gardener (2–0)

In the battle of 2 of the remaining 4 unbeatens - the Robotripping Gardener has showed all his cards, and turns out - he absolutely was bluffing. Managing only a disrespectful 80 pt effort, he holds a narrow 13 pt lead over James “you cant be named that, thats my middle name” Yoncé “all on his mouth like liquor”. Can David Montgomery + Amon-Ra St. Brown cover this gap? In week 1, the pair went for ~15. In week 2, the pair lashed out for 50+. What does this all mean? Generally just that neither of these two teams deserve a victory this week.

70% – 5.60 points: Dank Press Scott (0–2) vs Fully Broccked Up (2–0)

It’s the ooooooooo devil, matchup of the week - knotted at 108 a piece heading into MNF. Highly reminiscent of when I ate 108 garlic knots, somebody is getting hauled out of this one on a stretcher. Keith, with honors, plays his Baltimore D card, while Scott flicks Sam Laporta down onto the field of play. The week 1 simulation goes to LaPorta, week 2 to Baltimore. The one thing we are pretty certain about, is that Scott might regret leaving big 27 pt TE Hunter Henry on the bench. Will Scott be able to break into the win column, or will Keith push his way into the biggest threat conversation - there is only one way to find out. Its time for MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL