Monday Night Football - 2025 Fantasy Preview - Week 2

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will HAVE A SHREWD OPTICS PLAYER LAY CLAIM TO THEIR PERSONAL WORK ACCOMPLISHMENTS, MINIMIZING THEIR COPORATE STANDING, ENSURING THEY REMAIN A FORGOTTEN FOOTNOTE IN SOMEBODY ELSE’S PROMOTION PACKET.

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

A lack of tight matchups in week one left us with a real sickos only audience for JJ’s coming out party in the twin cities that never sleep. Fortunately, this week features a DOUBLE HEADER of games and a TRIPLE HEADER of close matchups to feed the ravenous league - especially those that have had it up to here spending time with their children. So sit back - grab a handle of milk, throw away your JJ McCarthy jersey, pick up your “TJ Hockenson catching a football - pepperidge farm remembers” kimono, and INCARCIRATE that buy me a coffee sneaky link - its the MNFP.

Games

(0–1) Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ (1–0) Houston Texans

• 7:00 PM EST / 4:00 PM PST
• Line: HOU –2.5, O/U 42.5

(1–0) Los Angeles Chargers @ (0–1) Las Vegas Raiders

• 10:00 PM EST / 7:00 PM PST
• Line: LAC –3.5, O/U 46.5

Matchups

99% – 87.12 points: Fully Broccked Up (1–0) vs Black Market Skyrizzi (0–1)

Skylar continues to dominate the game of limbo hes playing with himself, as he continues to go lower and lower down, down to hades town in points per week. Experiencing nearly every negative side effect from his hero dose of black market skyrizi - he amassed 44.85 points TOTAL from his non qb starters and only 4.4 pts from the entirety of his non qb bench! Plenty of good can come from 0-2 though, as we will see how the soon to be renamed squad will fire back on the waiver wire. Plenty of good value there like… JuJu Smith-Schuster. Keith is poised to slide into the hotseat of league 1st overall after what is likely to be this week’s AYE QUE FABULOSA INTERNATIONAL WAR CRIME of the week - sponsored by Palantir.

99% – 53.75 points: James (1–0) vs King in the D (1–0)

Speaking of ballistic projectiles - the Little Caesars pizza dome that protects Matt #1s residence finally crusted in on itself after a vulnerable slice sector (3 weeks of Jam feverishly gopher gnawing, under the moonlit shadow of the Little Flower Basilica) was discovered over the back patio. The final breach was made at some point during Jared Goff and Russell Wilson’s barrage of targets to ARSB and Nabers, who boasted 35+ pt outings respectively. Look for Matt #1 to either bounce back aggressively next week vs his Jerry Baker lawn rival Alex Q, or distance himself from the league entirely, going all in on ITS GREAT. TO BE. A TENNESSEE VOLUNTEER. Jam no longer smells like teen spirit, as he ages to 2-0.

67% – 10.14 points: Blazed Balls (0–1) vs Hot Gibby’s French Fries (1–0)

In our league’s first instance of a “both teams did well but one has to lose and it’s a darn shame” - its Mr. GIBBY heading into MNF with a 32 pt lead over Hy with Ladd “Honky” McConky, Omarion Hampton “Inn”, and Emeka Egbuka still to take the field. This trio went for ~42 last week largely due to a pair of TDs from Egbuka. If Houston did its homework, watches some film (ideally an international feature film like Parasite), and keeps the early window close - this one could end up keeping Alex up far past milk and cookie hour with the 10pm EST start time. As we all know - the only way to make losing a close fantasy matchup worse, is spending a bunch of time watching the games, and also ending up in a bad mood and staying up too late in the process. So, with all due respect for our new chicago pope - let me be the first to say - I sure hope that doesn’t happen to either of these two.

55% – 3.25 points: YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN (0–1) vs Dank Press Scott (0–1)

You can’t go into MNF sad, if you haven’t yet started half your team. That seems to be the approach YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN is taking down 28 with 4 slots still to take the field tonight. With 1 player allocated per team - Dan seems to be optimizing for a nice entertaining double feature with vested interest on every possession. Scott on the other hand, only has Ashton “Hall” Jeanty remaining, and is hoping that he wont have to look Jared Goff (BENCHED - 36pts on 5TDs) in the eye, and tell him that he didn’t believe he had that special something. Fun fact: the current projected ~3.25 margin of victory for Dan is ~equal to the -3.25 pts scored for Scott by his Denver defense! Brexit ass, self inflicted ass from Mr. Dank Press Scott.

✅ 100% – 3.23 points: Robotripping Gardener (1–0) vs Mulch Is NOT Yummy (0–1)

An unfortunate early injury to Joe Burrow set off a butterfly effect that eventually ended up robbing deserving American consulate Matt #2 of a victory late in the sunday evening window. With 3 min to go, the Minnesota D were forced to allow a TD to attempt to extend the game, flipping the advantage back over to the Robotripping Gardener. As Lois McMaster Bujold once said - “The dead cannot cry out for justice. It is a duty of the living to do so for them.” And so, as I stare down at my former roommate - it is with a heavy heart, that I have opened up a gofundme for Matt #2 that he may use for better drafting education. The proceeds of which I will hold for safekeeping in a revocable trust until Matt is of age, or passes a mental acuity assessment (of which I will administer and also grade) at which point he will be deemed ready to take over as steward of the funds. This is my solemn and selfless vow.

55% – 2.48 points: Oof ouchie my dignity (0–1) vs Milk Men (1–0)

IT’S TONIGHTS CLOSEST MATCHUP OF THE WEEK sponsored by the California Dairy Association. In one corner - it’s Diego and Baker Mayfield. They are both doing viral dances in a circle, and its flirting precariously close to the edge of being cringe - but for the time being, it’s actually pretty tight - and I’m coming off as a hater. And in the other corner - it’s the mystical milker himself, the lactose tolerant leche leader - commissioner of the free world, but personally enslaved to collecting league dues every midsommar - IT’S NICK. Down just 10.8, his two headed monster Dicker Bucky combo will require a very particular game script to unleash Bucky - super deep cut from 5th grade without triggering a Baker blowout. Can he do it? Make like a bursting bertha and prime your udders for a proper milkin’ to find out - it’s Monday Night Football.

Buy me a coffee, NOW!