Monday Night Football - 2025 Fantasy Preview - Week 1

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will HAVE IT THUNDERSTORM ON THEIR WEDDING DAY

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

The MNFP is like the Wall Street Journal. Highly respected in academic settings, far right leaning at times, and incredibly likely to die in the next few years. After dropping 5 of 14 weeks last season, its player readership is waiting with baited breath to learn if this season will be the beginning of the end. However, the loyal and worse at fantasy readers are not the only powers with a vested interest in the future of this publication - for I have it on good authority, that there are more than 2 bot farms hard at work defaming its fair name, praying on its downfall as we speak. One such message stated “Monday sure is a weak-day to publish a night football preview” which was just incredibly frustrating and demoralizing to read. Unfortunately for the haters - our dear author has recently come into a fair bit of mental unrest as a result of continuing to over schedule his life. And as Aristotle once said - “there was never a genius without a tincture of madness”. So we tromp on - into the nothingness, into an opening week where there is not a sliver of close matchup action awaiting us on monday night, it’s another new chapter of the MNFP.

Games

(0-0) Minnesota Vikings @ (0-0) Chicago Bears

• 8:15 PM EST / 5:15 PM PST / 2:15 PM HST
• Line: MIN –1.5, O/U 43.5

Matchups

96% – 38.81 points: Robotripping Gardener (0–0) vs Blunt Smoking Sex Havers (0–0)

Somewhere between smonking blunds and sex having, Skylar had a bit of time for sport. But he chose tennis (presumably because he fancied this particular sponsor) - and was severly punished for his infidelity to the league and to America’s game. Not even a 30 piece nugget from Lamar “Good at scoring a lot of touchdowns in college and pros” Jackson could hold off the absolute bayonetting delivered by the fair and slightly higher than average Vo2 maxxed Robotripping Gardener in what could potentially be this week’s BIGGEST BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK sponsored by TB12’s offshore reconstructive surgeon. The 4% margin is betting on Justin Jefferson and Aaron Jones outscoring TJ Hockenson by 60 tonight.

✅ 100% – 26.89 points: Hot Gibby’s French Fries (0–0) vs Oof ouchie my dignity (0–0)

Diego scalded by a Gibby’s grease fire as the Texan suffered from an acute case of under performance up and down his starting lineup. If only Nick added in points for getting punched in the face. Alex did all of this while playing a near anti optimal lineup as his bench also remains quite strong. No worries - the first week isn’t important anyways, especially in things like starting a new job, relationship, or building a new routine.

98% – 24.65 points: King in the D (0–0) vs Mulch Is NOT Yummy (0–0)

D King Matt #1 let his shailene go “woodley mode” all over Matt #2 as his hogs ran out to a 45 pt margin heading into MNF. The kiwi will need the opposing DSwift and Viking D to perform a delicate haka dance tonight to close this gap. Looks like autodraft was not kind to Matt #2. At least he now has a frustrating QB room where 1 of his 2 options will almost certainly go for 20+ more points than the other one, and where he will almost certainly pick the wrong one - contributing to a sense of agency and deeper ownerships over his negative outcomes. This will then almost certainly snowball into a slow deflating of confidence, which will subtly seep into other aspects of life. This weeks results: Starter Joe Burrow: 10 pts. Bench Justin Herbert: 31pts.

✅ 100% – 15.46 points: Milk Men (0–0) vs Dank Press Scott (0–0)

Scott put all his marbles into his marble Dak, and for that - he paid the ultimate price. To make matters worse - Travis Kelce KO’d his own teammate / Scott’s WR 2 on one of the first plays of the game. To make matters even worse - Nick played his optimal lineup, with a sum of 6.5 total pts on his bench. Big milk has been on a heater since the got milk campaign brainwashed a generation of Moms into milkboarding their babies with that sweet liquid cream. Time will tell how long Nick is willing to carry this particular bit forward - as early sentiment seems to be slightly more positive than mulch.

97% – 12.56 points: Fully Broccked Up (0–0) vs YOU WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN (0–0)

Yahoo algo is pretttty sure DJ Moore avoids going for worse than -12 tonight but not quite willing to crown Keith for a week 1 win just yet. Dan’s STACKED autodrafted QB room all performed about as expected, and he would have been very well poised for a surprise 3qb league - but alas. The only chink in Keith’s armor yet showing is his Bumbling Band of Baltimore defense who went for -6 in their Sunday night collapse. Keith will look to trade for Travis Hunter to start at that slot next week.

✅ 100% – 11.75 points: James (0–0) vs Blazed Balls (0–0)

In this week’s nail-biter of the week - Jam edged out Hy in the twilight of Sunday eve as Dalton Kincaid pranced into the endzone shouting “I’m 25!”. Blazed Balls will now be forced to watch JJ McCarthy light up his bench total this evening, and potentially one additional week before TLaw finds his inevitable resting place on the waiver wire. Doan doubled down on his Wolverine Abandonment Syndrome by relishing in Emeka’s 20 point outing. “Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice”

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