Monday Night Football - 2024 Fantasy Preview - Week 9
A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will HAVE THEIR ETCH A SKETCH SHAKEN INDEFINITELY UNTIL IT RESEMBLES THE MONA LISA
Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight
It is that point in the season where a select few teams are distancing themselves from the pack, while the rest of the middle class war for the scraps. The billionaire boys club are all in on disseminating propaganda to keep the lowly bottom feeders finger pointing at each other, when their greatest fear, is that the lowly rise up, and form one mega super team - with 3/5 top players at each position. How glorious would it be, to hang 220 on Mulch Gang. Banners in the courtyard, lovers in the street - all united in ecstasy - the mad king is dead. But alas, I am but a lowly scribe, pedaling his parables in the back alleys - It’s Monday Night
Games
(4-4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ (7-0) Kansas City Chiefs
- 8:15 PM EST
- Line: KC -9, O/U 45.5
Matchups
99% - 41.68: Mulch Is Yummy! (3-5) vs Commish’s Mulch Gardener (4-4)
It’s going to require a unique game script of Cade Otton and the opposing KC D to combine for 60+ for the honorable, though renamed many times over, mulch gardener to save some face. All signs point to lucky number 3 time biggest blown in 9 weeks for the despondent yet optimistic uk coalition. This statement week from Matt #2 is a warning shot across the bow of the league, as if to say - “even if this league is not in my top 25 life focus areas, I will hospitalize you like Derick Carr did Olave. We can only hope that Matt recovers from the mulch virus in time to grant Patrick a dignified death and name change.
99% - 24.43: B Robinson Crusoe (3-5) vs Amon with Aplon (6-2)
Patty Mahomes needs a damn near 50 piece to bring Scott back to life in this one, as Matt #1 continues his highly religious and judgemental crusade upwards. It was pretty much worst case scenario for Scott as no one really popped off, ESPECIALLY 16 time winner of the nathans hotdog eating contest J Chestnut. If only he scored a fraction of his glizzy guzzling count from former years - scott would be popping bottles of ice cold hotdog water.
99% - 19.06: FLANGED DI ELBOW (4-4) vs Nabers? I hardly know hers (5-3)
Despite another very strong outing for our current points for leader, Harrison “kitchenette” Butker will need to go for negative 10 for Alex to salvage this one. With all signs pointing to both these teams entering next week at 5-4, it may be time for Alex to firesale the better part of his roster, in an overreacting attempt to preserve his playoff hopes. Meanwhile - Jam is on wonka’s glass elevator, fizzy lifting his way to the top of the league. Jam’s pipe logo is looking more and more Violet Beauregarde in colour as the wins continue to stack.
87% - 13.18: The Caledonian Creamer (3-5) vs Tooting on that zaza (3-5)
The 87% here must be assuming the jet stream of taylor swifts 747 wreaks havoc on Kelces numbers tonight as Skylar already sits above Hy by .4 pts after a catastrophic satanic outing by Kyler Murray in his win over Daaaaaa hapless bears. Anything positive kelce can do tonight, outside of spiking spectators phones should provide a bit of cushin for the cream captain of Caledonia. Doan appears ready to ride Kyler straight to the bottom of the ocean, titanic grand piano style.
✅ 100% - 12.08: Mulch Gang for Life (7-1) vs Oof ouchie my dignity (4-4)
It’s the ONLY leage matchup with no action tonight, as the league’s runaway leader and suspiciously cultish commish heads to 8-1, with a damn near guaranteed playoff birth already buttoned up. Diego made a vailent effort, but the demonic power of the mulch militia was too strong even for 30 pt Alvin “and the pimpmunks” Kamara. Diego’s fractured hips unfortunately lied when they advised starting Love over stafford - Khalil Shakir(a) Shakir(a)!
64% - 4.7: Mulch Cream Rises (5-3) vs America and God’s Team (1-7)
It’s the main event, with Jumbo K currently holding a 24 pt lead over dan with Worthy and White still to trundle out onto the gridiron. If tonight turns into a shootout, this one should really go the way of America and God given the last few weeks of scoring averages from the pair. If Dan can eek out a win, Keither will fall to 5-4 in a 3 way tie for 3rd with Alex and Jam. Leaving a 5 way tie for 6th at 4-5 🤯 - AY PAPI, it’s monday night I guess.