Monday Night Football - 2024 Fantasy Preview - Week 7

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will BE ENROLLED IN WEASEL POPPERS ANONYMOUS - UNLESS YOUVE BEEN GRANTED A PAPAL INDULGENCE

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

SWEET 16, but for me, it was anything but - given the catastrophic social ramifications of my media and literal food diet that lead up until that point. But we can’t all be friggin Ferris “you think you’re” Bueller “than me”. In other news, that’s how many starters remain heading into tonight’s MNF matchups. Hot diggidy - we haven’t seen this much action since Mulch Diggums’s bumflap bore the brunt of a crude oil pocket in the early 2000s. We are squarely in the boring middle of this seasons script, so let’s all get ready to skim over these halfhearted words, with the reading comprehension that could earn you a 6/10 on the Accelerated Reader test. It’s Monday Night!

Games

(2-2) Baltimore Ravens @ (4-2) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

• 1:15 AM BST
• Line: BAL -3.5, O/U 50

(3-2) Los Angeles Chargers @ (2-4) Arizona Cardinals

• 2:00 AM BST
• Line: LAC -1.5, O/U 44

Matchups

99% - 54.48: Mulch Gang for Life (5-1) vs Welcome Back Mr. Poop (2-4)

There must be something in the mulch! In this case - the manure, as the defecation don himself dropped a signature searing sirloin of a stinker this week, with the exception of Saquon “Carnival” Bark(er)ly. It is likely going to come down to the wire to determine if Nick will be able to further poison the league’s names with what would be league leading 3rd biggest blowout in 7 weeks. Mr Poop will be left hoping Zay Flowers and the Harbaugh D can save some face vs JK “simmons” dobbins and trey mcbride. There is a decent chance our mad king commish will be left in sole possession of first place heading into week 8, which is just another contributor to the gurgling, growing malaise from the dregs of the league - an uprising could be coming. Or worse, the silent whimper of a death not worth fighting off.

99% - 45.09: Mulch Cream Rises (3-3) vs FLANGED DI ELBOW (4-2)

It’s all gravy for Chris Godwin and Kreamy Keith as his only remaining mission for tonight is to beat up on Jam enough to snatch the week’s biggest blowout from the other mulch madman. The final nail in Jam’s coffin was the .3 from DeVonta smith but his inability to win in the clutch obviously has much deeper seeded origins. Safe to say Jam might need his ductiles ironed back into shape after the complete piping delivered by Josh Allen, Kareem Hunt, & KW3. With Aaron Jones & Deandre Swift also on the bench, Keith has been able to amass 5 of the top 30 RBs in the league and 3 of the top 13 WRs - and is one of the 3 teams fantasy pros gives > 25% chance of winning the ship this year.

99% - 32.13: B Robinson Crusoe (2-4) vs Oof ouchie my dignity (3-3)

Diego really needs some divine intervention to breath wind beneath the wings of mark andrews, and guide him to more points than he has cumulatively scored in all games up until this point in the season to have a chance in this one. Down 43, its going to come down to Mark and last week’s unexpected super hero sean tucker (37 pts in week 6) to bridge the gap. With a somewhat injured Rachaad White, things could get very interesting this eve. Special shoutout also goes out to Diego’s dignity as he did succeed in starting what turned out to be the -5.5 scoring defense of the New York Jets. Matt will look to settle down into his favorite arm chair, and generally begin to grow restless as the points begin to roll in.

91% - 26.07: Robotripping Gardener (3-3) vs America and God’s Team (1-5)

Dan is going to need Justin “Friar” Tucker to outpace Derrick Henry and Harrison Jr. by 7 to lift America and God’s team to victory in the brother bowl. Yahoo puts these odds at 7%, but sources close to the wilson family are calling this possibility “unfathomable and highly unjust if it were to somehow happen - we can only pray that it doesn’t”. Models are projecting Dan to hard pivot to political flame wars on various midwestern parenting facebook groups if his team becomes insolvent.

76% - 11.08: Amon with Aplon (4-2) vs Slop (2-4)

Current state of affairs: Slop - down 42, kyler still on sidelines, binky in, james conner also there, much larger than Kyler, someone thought james was kyler’s legal guardian. Scott: Kimani Vidal - 4 carries on the year, essentially good for 0 points, no idea how we couldn’t find someone better than this. What’s that spell? A potential NAILBITER if the speed waddler is able to start zinging out a few tuddies to james. Hy’s commitment to the multi year bit of thinking Kyler is a cornerstone worth building his team around may finally reach its expiration if he catches another sloppy L here.

52% - 0.85: Nabers? I hardly know hers (5-1) vs The Caledonian Creamer (2-4)

WELL PUSH POP MY ORANGE CREAMSICLE ON A WARM SUMMER DAY ITS THE MAIN EVENT. It’s the league’s far and away highest points for scorer and current #1 up 45 on Skylar BUT NOT SO FAST. Lamar Jackson, Mike Evans, and the baby faced DICKER might have something to say about it. Last week this trio summed for 41, but Lamar and Mike dropped a 58 piece the week before that with Cameron on bye. This week highlighted a chink in the armor of Nabers, as the giants finally emerged as just an all around horrible football team and Jayden Daniels got hurt. Inevitably, this will all come down to a final FG in the closing moments of the last game of the week - so TUNE IN, and let’s put a SMILE ON THAT FACE

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