Monday Night Football - 2024 Fantasy Preview - Week 5
A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will be forced to laugh at all of Nick’s jokes and tell him that he’s funny
Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight
Hello! Patrick is unable to come to the phone right now. He is currently getting a lobotomy so he can fully join the Sisters Of The Loam and maybe one day understand the power of the Mulch Gang. Thankfully you have me, Mulch Dog, to be your guide this week! We could all be a little more silly, a little more fun, and a lot more mulchy!
Games
(2-2) New Orleans Saints @ (4-0) Kansas City Chiefs
- 8:15 PM EST
- Line: KC -5.5, O/U 43
Matchups
100% - 39.99: Mulch Gang for Life (3-1) vs Robotripping Gardener (2-2)
Even after all these years Gardening his Robotrippings, Patrick never learned that the core of all successful gardens is MULCH. Through the power of FF royalty like Mooney and Dowdle, the Mulch Gang took no prisoners and dished out a steaming, fresh OOOWEEE MAMA THAT’S A BIG OLD BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK sponsored by Ace Hardware. The Gardeners probably expected Mulch Gang to continue to suck but to everyone’s dismay, Nick’s team has begun to show life once again and is straight vibing its way to a back to back championship… or a complete crash and burn to his and his loved one’s pain. Something something, mulch mulch mulch, ok the mulch jokes are done.
99% - 28.35: Ma’ Homie Fields (2-2) vs Nabers? I hardly know hers (4-0)
For the last 4 weeks, Alex has been waltzing around the group chat all like he’s already the champ and to be honest, we’re all happy for the little guy but also equally pray for his downfall. Thankfully the people’s champ arrived in the form of Drake London Has Fallen to dish out pain worse than most of the Rock’s movies. Alex may blame bye week blues and boo boos for this loss, but maybe he should take a sneaky little peak at Scott’s bench. If Butker scores above -18.92 tonight, Scott will hold onto this victory and bring more equality to the league.
94% - 17.36: The Caledonian Creamer (1-3) vs Ja’Marr Ja’Marr Binks (3-1)
In spite of a score that sits in top half of the league this week thanks to a monster week by Ja’Marr WASHED Chase, Keith’s squad got smacked worse than his precious Josh Allen’s head by Skylar’s Lamar RB1 Jackson, Mike Evans-Stevans, James Let Him Cook. Keith has been burning numerous Taylor Swift effigies to curse Kelce into a fumble party to undo the 5.38 point lead. Something Yahoo thinks has a 6% chance of happening. With an estimated 7 million Yahoo FF players, that should happen 210000 times today, so why can’t Keith be one of those? (We agreed on no math fact checking).
86% - 15.14: Oof ouchie my dignity (2-2) vs Year of the 🔗 (2-2)
If you only look at the current score and ignore all the facts, this is a tight matchup heading into tonight’s game! So far Hy’s totally ok because he’s actually a 700 hundred year old dragon love for Kyler has given him a 1.24 lead with a grand total of 0 players yet to play vs Diego’s Kamara-Kamara-Kameleon. Now Hy turns his efforts to dark magic, pagan praying to injure the real, human being with hopes, dreams, and feelings playing tonight. Instead of enacting evil spells, maybe Hy should try scoring more than 100 points next time? Who would not score 100 points? Come on!
79% - 10.13: B Robinson Crusoe (1-3) vs Welcome Back Mr. Poop (1-3)
In the battle for Matt supremacy, one player remains to, uh, well, play. With both Matt’s hoping to not only retain the honor of their name, but also avoid going 1-4 (a fate worse than death), they look to Chris Olavia Rodrigo to score more/less than the current 22.8 point valley between them. He has scores 19.60 points earlier this year, so what’s just a few more against a much harder defense in a completely different situation?
70% - 7.78: The Better Robinson Crusoe (3-1) vs America and God’s Team (0-4)
Now onto the main event! Jam’s squad is holding onto a 7.07 point lead heading into tonight with Rashid “How Do I Make Fun Of This Name Without Being Canceled” Shaheed facing off against Dan’s Xavier Worthy Of Love. Dan looks to get a crack at that tasty taste of a victory while Jam lives in his life of gluttony, hoping for his 4th. Learn to share Jam! Will Baltimore’s -0.75 score be the stone that sinks The Better Robinson Crusoe’s ship or will America and God’s Team’s inexplicable love for Tampa Bay’s running backs be the icy white claws to drag him under? Tune in tonight to find out with this week’s episode of Mulch Ball Z!
