Monday Night Football - 2023 Fantasy Preview - Week 7

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will BE SUBJECT TO AN ARRAY OF MIDDLE SCHOOL ASSAULTS - NOT LIMITED TO SACK TAPPING, BEAN DIPPING, AND THAT THING WHERE YOU TWIST SOMEONES ARM REALLY HARD - NOTE THAT THE LASTING PAIN HERE WILL BE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND THEREBY FINANCIAL TO ADEQUATELY HEAL

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

3 matchups with a >= 30% chance for the underdog heading into MNF has be fully bricked up in Calabasas - and i’m not a mason (free or otherwise) - figure that one out. It is WEEK 7, and 7 is heaven if you are one of the managers at the helm of a favorited team heading into tonight’s clash between the weirdly conservative pocket of bay area gold mining 1849ers and the wheaties plain, church going, family men getting KIRKED UP in Minneapolis skoll Vikings. Keeping this one short and sweet - like the period of time I thought Najee was a steal in the third round or my confidence that the Falcons would disclose if Bijan had a crippling migraine before taking the field. ITS THE MNFP

Games

(5-1) San Francisco 49ers @ (2-4) Minnesota Vikings

• 8:15 PM EST
• Line: SF -7.0

Matchups

99% - 37.49 pts: Quad Squad (4-2) v Go lions (2-4)

One of the leagues big stack bullies is poised to pipe down the mario brother from royal oak as hockenson takes the field tonight for nick - with the hopes of pushing the existing margin from 25 to something big enough to earn quad squad the SHEEEEESH POUR ME UP A DOUBLE OF THAT NON HOMOGENATED leche biggest LACTOSE DUNKING of the week sponsored by Dairy Farmers of America. Their lobby is so strong, you wouldn’t believe the amount spent to get me to compromise my journalistic integrity enough to release a MNFP this sloppy. It definitely doesn’t have anything to do with the time pressure or anything that would put me in a bad light - I am without fault - unlike some of the decisions made by Alex starting multiple Lions including the league worst Lions D who went for -5 on the week (the only defense to go negative - would have been better off starting one of the 6 on bye). Silver lining here - Alex goes for over 100, another moral victory for the side quest most moral manager (no trophy).

92% - 31.62 pts: Fantasizing in mom’s basement (4-2) v Butt to Cock (6-0)

The main difference between this Diego and the one in the Go Diego Go show, is that this diego DOESN’T save and help animals in distress. He’s more one to twist the knife and hold them within inches of death long enough for them to look him in the eye, and beg for mercy. That is what hes done to league juggernaut Butt to Cock heading into tonight’s affair. Currently up 30 with a minn WR and RB still to play. But on the other wise of the aisle - hes bigger, hes badder, he might be injured, HES CHRISTIAN IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE, you would think he sells antivirus software if you heard his name muffled over a bad connection - IT’S CHRISTIAN MCAFEE. Past weeks have varied from 13 to 50 so everything from a massive upset to Diego nabbing the biggest blowout and finally ridding our league of its raunchiest team name to date are all on the table. Mind you, my 2 yo niece reads this journal, hy you friggin dill hole.

99% - 21.92 pts: Winless and chinless (0-6) v Bow to Queen Stella (2-4)

STOP THE COUNT - Scott currently holds a 3pt lead over the winless and chinless battalion from Keithville USA. Why the sub 1% chance you might ask? Keith still has Jake “bad eye (after last week)” Moody and Brock “we are still naming dudes that?” Silly Purdy that will somehow need to keep their cumulative total under 3 to make this one interesting. Goes without saying but someone needs to swinging at Brock’s kneecaps literally as you are reading this. Let’s see if Keith can ride this momentum and turn this boat around before its too late - and it fully crashes into a beach of bronzed, boozed, and bewildered caribbean cruisers.

70% - 7.53 pts: Robotripping Gardener (6-0) v Baby Toy (1-5)

NO ONE, and I mean this literally - wants Skylar to win this one more than me. And you can take that scouts honor TO THE BANK (I cannot stress enough how knockoff the scout program that dan and I were affiliated with was - it was something for homeschoolers where you earned badges for thatching roofs and memorizing saints or something). Skylar holds a 7 pt lead with the robo’s Let’s Go Brandon Aiyuk still to take the field. In 5 starts, his min outing was for 7.3, but its quite common for him only to have a couple of catches - this one could get very interesting. Skylar played to his absolute highest possible ability with a cumulative 0 pts left marooned on his bench. If probabilities shake out without upset, Patrick will move into sole possession of first place - and no one, myself most of all, wants that.

63% - 5.09 pts: The bottom is priced in (2-4) v By Chubb’s Grace (3-3)

In a PIVOTAL mid season matchup, a MUST WIN as most announcers would say (8 weeks still to go), this one is WIDE OPEN and all Matt can do is sit back and watch. Dan currently sits down ~35 pts with cousins, kittle, and the contradicting SF D still to play. Last week - the 3 combined for a mere 20 pts, but week 5, their total was 72. Tune in tonight to see if the man who has updated his team name far more than interacted with the waiver wire, can thread the needle with a shootout and move up the standings. If Matt can hold on, we will look for him to bench Jameson Williams until the week after he gets another breakout week, just in time for him to post another goose egg.

58% - 1.92 pts: Nathan 4 moo (2-4) v Molly (4-2)

Nate sits down 8 with KJ Osborn still to take the field for the vikings. His last 2 week totals: 8.4 and 8.3 respectively. THIS ONE IS AS CLOSE AS IT GETS. If Jam is able to hold on, we will see the leagues 3rd highest scorer move to a disappointing 2-5 and in the bottom quarter of the league. Jam was able to put himself in this position behind Mahomes, Kamara, and 8 randos he found at his local play it again sports. Gentlemen, start your engines - it’s time to get sad because it’s MONDAY NIGGGGGGGGHT