Monday Night Football - 2023 Fantasy Preview - Week 5

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will BE FORCED TO ROLEPLAY AS THE RED BARON IN A LONG FORM SKETCH IDEA I HAVE FEATURING MY DOG ROLE PLAYING AS SNOOPY

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

It is as if there are two wolves inside me - one is angry because to live is to suffer, and the other is angrier still - because the NFL scriptologists called for an onslaught of TDs against my otherwise deserving and loving motly crew of football assets. It is week 5 - the league has been dragged out across 10 time zones and urgency is beginning to build at the bottom half of the standings. It is unofficial rivalry week with everyone paired up against their closest in standings opponent. Who will reverse fortune and turn from a blowee-outer to a blower-outer? There is only one way to find out - welcome to the MNFP

Games

(2-2) Green Bay Packers @ (1-3) Las Vegas Raiders

• 2:15 AM CEST
• Line: LV -2.0

Matchups

99% - 56.31 pts: Where’s the bottom (0-4) v Mabaddies (0-4)

Blood was shed in the battle of the winless - as Dan rode 22+ pt performances from 4 different positions to a currently 67 pt lead over Keith “the broken one” Gingras. If things continue as projected, and Christian “My dear sherlock” Watson is held to ~15, Dan should lock up the Crown Prince Solid White Albacore FISH STICK KING TARTER BOI DUNKING of the week over Diego’s subsequently mentioned 51 pt hearty locker shoving of Matt. Keith, desperate for good news, can at least sleep soundly knowing he only lost Justin Jefferson to injury in this one - and not someone good, like the Washington defense (-1.5 pts).

99% - 50.88 pts: Fantasizing in mom’s basement (2-2) v tushy pushy (2-2)

It was two-two vs two-two and the loser could have used TD scoring tutu atwell as Dora’s cousin Diego is poised to hang a 50 pence piece on the former tax collector . Matt will need an even 60 from the judge - AJ Dillon to bring this one within striking distance. At least Matt can look to his total bench scoring of 1.2 pts as confidence inspiring for the future. Diego appears to be ramping up for another one of his signature late season pushes in this one - as he looks ahead to a showdown with league heavyweight Nick next week.

✅ - 20.69 pts: Go lions (1-3) v Baby Toy (1-3)

Alex will be shaking in his boots, awaiting stat corrections to drop to see if there was over a 20pt miscalculation in this meeting of the ex tween 1-3 year old titans. Go lions rode an absolutely bohemian 46 pt effort from DJ “less is” Moore. Skylar is building something, that much is clear. What it is that is being built however, is very much unclear. The 125 pt outing is showing a positive trajectory, but the soft and supple rubber baby toy has fallen to 1-4, without the future promise of quinceañera wallet photos and spirit buttons around the corner.

96% - 19.77 pts: Taylor Swift’s Chilidog Napkin (4-0) v Molly (3-1)

I cant find Molly (in the W column), where is she? Jakobi Meyers needs 31 pts to earn Kelce the right to gobble Taylor Swift’s chilidog napkin, and move Jam to 4-1. If Patrick is able to hold on, his 5-0 start, despite not being in the top 5 in scoring - will be the memorialized on at least one (1) reputable online forum. AI estimates that this latest potential victory for the ex robo was due to at least 100% concentrated power of will, and not at all due to a fluke 50pt performance from Ja’Marr Chase that definitely was NOT required to obscure the otherwise pedestrian lineup that featured no other scorers over 13 pts.

75% - 13.03 pts: Butt to Cock (4-0) v Quad Squad (4-0)

It is #2 vs #1 with the league’s most problematically named squad currently enjoying a 14 pt lead. Nick’s hobbled starchild Davante Adams will hope to recreate his 39 pt afair from two weeks ago, against the tandem of fudgepacker Jayden Reed, and the green G̶bay defense. Quad Squad hopes to regain his momentum with the return of half namesake Saquan in week 6 while Hy Doan “ist” butt to cock looks poised to take over #1 overall into his matchup with the incredibly high scoring, little communicating, under performing, and very much matched or better, nate’s Unmatched Team.

65% - 6.65 pts: Bow to Queen Stella (2-2) v nate’s Unmatched Team (1-3)

IT’S THE MAIN EVENT - but the Ringling brothers are out of town, problematic and/or cancelled beyond repair (animal abuse or otherwise) and this one is all about Queen Stella and nate’s big bad UNMATCHED team. Romeo Doubs has a 15 pt lead and will need to hold off the only uninjured JJ left - JOSH JACOBS. Fresh off a 27 pt week 4 - this one could be spicy. Tune in and see if nate (the league’s third highest point scorer by a substantial margin) can find redemption and the 2 win column. Fun fact - Nate has had the most points scored against him by nearly 100 - welcome to the league JACKASH