Monday Night Football - 2023 Fantasy Preview - Week 13

December 4, 2023


Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

Some like to say we, as humans, have got 4000 weeks on this flaming ball of rock to make our mark. I don’t think you can miss a point more. There is only 1 week and 1 MNF game and then it’s BYE BYE. It’s not like you are just going to be able to “rebound and try again next year” - this isn’t bolton and danforth at friggin East High - Albuquerque, New Mexico after a heart breaking buzzer beater to send them home assless and chapless to a summer working at a luxury musical country club. Nick could easily turn tyrannical after a late stage playoff elimination and begin rage rescinding folks league return card. I digress, its time for a SCENARIO ISSUE where we deep dive on all the strange ways folks could potentially survive (spoiler - in this league, going undefeated would had guaranteed you a spot). IT’S THE MNFP


(5-6) Cincinasty Benjels @ (8-3) Head and Shoulders

  • 8:15 PM EST
  • Line: JAX -10


✅ - 59.55 pts: Quad Squad (10-2) v Baby Toy (3-9)

With a win this week, quad squad has all but locked up the #1 seed for playoffs with an absolute Victorian era poisoning of Skylar’s ale en route to what is likely to be this week’s wagwan trust the midas DUTCH CRUNCH crackling sharp wheat OUCH mouth cut of the WEEK. Btw, Nick did this with Hockenson, Davante Adams, Saquan, Josh Allen and Gus Edwards all on the bench. My funny business detector is bursting through its casing like that time Pinochio told Geppetto that had “Totally been against Brexit from the start” and “Had no real problem with immigrants who were willing to work hard for a better life”. Baby Toy has 130 points-for less than 11th place and ~500 less than Nick. He is destined for an uphill battle to avoid receiving the last place punishment for the second straight year.

99% - 53.38 pts: Nathan 4 moo x2 (4-8) v By Chubb’s Grace (7-5)

Tough to lock up your own playoff birth when your opponent scores 183. Nate rode 25+ from 4 different players en route to an absolute bloodbath despite a great week from Matt. Matt will need the stout Jax D to go for 66 pts tonight to make the comeback of the century (more than the sum of their last 7 outings combined). Both Matt and Nate remain very much in the thick of things heading into rivalry week, with Chubb’s Grace hoping to qualify on record with a destiny controlling win over who is likely to be Diego while Nate King Cole will certainly be looking at the most points for qualifier for the 6th spot (needs to outscore Diego by 8 to absolutely lock it in).

99% - 35.97 pts: BIG Problem (7-5) v Robotripping Gardener (10-2)

Dan expertly guided his team to a ~49 pt lead as he was guiding his raft off of Victoria Falls led by a 30pt Dak Attack and a host of league leading classic characters. Barring a repeat of 50 point week 5 from Ja’Marr Chase, this one should push Dan to 8-5 and in control of his own destiny going into rivalry week against Hy. He may have the honor, nay the obligation, to actually deliver a catastrophic finishing blow to the hopes and dreams of the texan and drive him clear out of the top 3 much like St. Robotripping did to the snakes of Ireland. As for Patrick - this week was not promising, as he took a number of critical injuries. He will have the honor of donning his riot gear (dusty, hasnt gotten much use since Kraft discontinued the original recipe for thick and creamy mac n cheese) against Nick - and hoping he can still claim a first round bye, even in an inevitable embarrassing loss.

99% - 27.22 pts: Charbonnet region of France (5-7) v Go lions (5-7)

In our 4th and final “essentially over” matchup of the week - we have the final blow against Alex’s fine team, as Scott stands up 9 with 2 absolute Jax randos still to take the field (Engram and McManus). Unless I am missing something - it’s going to be very difficult for Scott to make a playoff surge unless he somehow overcomes a 100 pt for deficit to beat out Diego in a tiebreak OR is able to flip a 90 pts for lead over Nate in the final week. Count him amongst the numerous others that are pleading Nate and Diego simply forget to set the entity of their week 14 lineup.

66% - 6.7 pts: Collusion buster (3-9) v Butt to Cock is Back (8-4)

This one is really only relevant for first round bye contention, AND THE HONOR AND DIGNITY OF THE GINGRAS FAMILY as Keith holds a 7 pt lead and Joe “Concrete” Mix “er” on who will need to hold off Calvin Ridley - who is riding a 50 pt hot streak the last two outings. If Keith is able to hold off the demon from below, we would be positioned well to overtake Alex in the overall standings by season’s end - a common accolade for many, but a warm feeling none the less. All that being said - Go Lions.

59% - 3.72 pts: Hy good (4-8) v Fantasizing in mom’s basement (6-6)

IN THIS WEEKS CLOSEST MATCHUP OF THE WEEK its the juice boi jambo up a massive 40 on Diego with Trevor “Jennifer” Lawrence, and Travis “the tram” Etienne riling up the dogs in the corner. Jam hopes to break his league record 6 game losing streak tonight, but it might be too late for playoff contention - barring an incredible reversal of a ~90 pts for deficit in this upcoming week. Diego is a critical piece for the very distant playoff hopes of Scott - who could overtake Diego for the 5th seed with a Diego loss tonight, Diego win week 14 vs Matt, and scoring as little possible points as possible to do it along the way. Ok frankly im confused AF, but it seems like its going to be very difficult for anyone but some combination of Dan/Matt/Diego/Nate to claim the bottom 3 spots. It doesn’t really matter if Diego wins or loses tonight but Matt has to beat Diego in week 14 - and if he does, it comes out to a point comparison between Diego and Nate. FFS who came up with this rule - its time for MNF

Projected standings after MNF

11-2 - 1819.09 - Quad Squad

10-3 - 1619.25 - Robotripping Gardener

8-5 - 1757.61 - Butt to Cock is Back

8-5 - 1626.12 - BIG Problem

7-6 - 1567.9 - By Chubb’s Grace

6-7 - 1640.61 - Fantasizing in mom’s basement

6-7 - 1543.4 - Charbonnet region of France

5-8 - 1632.89 - Nathan 4 moo x2

5-8 - 1537.84 - Hy good

5-8 - 1446.95 - Go lions

4-9 - 1487.79 - Collusion buster

3-10 - 1316.58 - Baby Toy

Points for rankings after MNF

1819.09 - Quad Squad

1757.61 - Butt to Cock is Back

1640.61 - Fantasizing in mom’s basement

1632.89 - Nathan 4 moo x2

1626.12 - BIG Problem

1619.25 - Robotripping Gardener

1567.9 - By Chubb’s Grace

1543.4 - Charbonnet region of France

1537.84 - Hy good

1487.79 - Collusion buster

1446.95 - Go lions

1316.58 - Baby Toy