Monday Night Football - 2023 Fantasy Preview - Week 1

September 11, 2023

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will NO LONGER BE ELIGIBLE FOR THE GENEROUS BIDEN EV TAX CREDIT

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

When Gouverneur Morris sidled up to his writing desk to pen this nation’s preamble to the constitution, I imagine he had a much clearer mind than I do now. The soft tissue of my hippocampus more certainly saturated with Jada Pinkett Smith renditions of Gloria, than any sort of coherent higher mission or original thought. That being said, I sit nobly at my post - chained by the links I have forged for myself, wrought of stardust and fireball nibs. This season will be different - we have a newcomer emboldened to do battle with the elders. We have another odd Nick obsession with quads. And of course, we have Diego, which all signs point to him being a deep-state plant, setting the new high watermark for possible points in a fantasy outing. Ladies and gentiles, hams and quads, I humbly and resentfully present to you, my undeserving masters - another season of the worlds most upsetting periodical - the MNFP.


(0-0) Buffalo Bills @ (0-0) New York Jets

  • 8:15 PM EST
  • Line: BUF -2.0


99% - 82.85 pts: Fantasizing in mom’s basement (0-0) v Bow to Queen Stella (0-0)

Diego woke up and chose to play Scott’s clavicle like the steel drum - under da’ sea rendition Quinlan is probably listening to as we squeak. The lead sits at 70 points with Bills RB James “Jimmy” Cooks still to take the field tonight. Diego’s team don’t make no sense with 40+ pt performances from Tyreek, Dallas D, and a host of other 20+ pt showings. His “worst” player - german maschine, Pat Freiermuth came in for 1 play, caught a 3 yard TD and got promptly got injured. It all begs the question - just how deep is Diego planted in this state? Regardless of your conspiracy of choice - Diego appears this years EARLY favorite poised to take this week’s AY, CARAMBO - UP, UP, and AWAY fizzy lifting meteor golden shower of the week sponsored by Dow Chemical x Jerry Baker (Lawn Dr. MD). Meanwhile - Scott attempted to pay great honor to his gf by using an AI avatar generated from her side hustle site. While this may have scored him points in his relationship, it did the opposite in the arena. Look for Scott to try new stuff - some of which will work, some of which wont - next week (but with a new team name).

99% - 67.53 pts: Rubba’ Dub Chubb (0-0) v Antifa (0-0)

Matt (killed his sibling Matt #2 in womb, to earn primary Matt) rubbed his chubb until he hung a 70 piece McNugget on distinguished ex every three weekly beat reporter and antifa apologist Skylar. Equally an outlier to Diego, but in the sad category - Skylar’s squad really did the least - mourning the injury to Kelce, with no position cracking that illusive 12 pt ceiling - especially his QB (cigar smoker Joe Burrow). However - never say die, because Skylar still has one dagger in his robe, and its sharper than at least 14 of the knives that come in the Miracle blade 40 piece infomercial. Garrett Wilson must go for at least 8 TDs tonight while the NYJ defense, must fully dissolve for Matt not to slide into week 2, leader and best.

99% - 42.73 pts: nate’s Unmatched Team (0-0) v I will throttle you (0-0)

In what was being billed as the Denver Duke it out Dustup of the season, nate’s unmatched team lived up to its name much more literally than Dan’s - as the league’s darkhorse currently sits 50pts down going into tonight. Questionable Breece Hall will need to outscore Dalton Kincaid by that very margin to shake up the outcome here. Nate’s inaugural debut featured a 33 piece from Tua and a golden money booter game from JakeQuake Elliott (187 yards worth of FGs). Default helmet avatar lookin asssss looks to be a shoe in to bring his win total up to his total number of messages hes sent to the chat so far this season. Dan will look to throttle back up next week in the brother battle.

98% - 34.41 pts: The Doorman (0-0) v JY (0-0)

Hy is back with a scary new logo and a 70 pt lead going into tonight’s MNF showdown with may poll jamboree volunteer JAMBO JAMBO. JY Jelly needs Diggs, Bass, and Buff baby D to absolutely electrify broadway and bring this one closer. While Hy’s CMC was dropping 30 - JY’s daniel jones was doing the opposite of singing in the rain vs the Dallas D (100 yards passing, 2 picks, and a 40pt L). With Kupp now on IR, right alongside Jam’s optimism for the season at large - look for the outspoken league advocate for fair elections - to pound the waivers this week like rocky in a meatlocker.

✅ - 27.76 pts: Robotripping Gardener (0-0) v DeAndre Napkins (0-0)

Napkins was bamboozled into starting a couple of eagles players and has paid the ultimate price. D’Andre swift and Dallas Goedert turned in a resounding .8 of their expected value of 22 and Dak delivered the finishing move, enough for the robo guzzler to secure the first official victory of the 2023 season. The demented botanist stormed ahead in the early window behind a strong 30 from Aiyuk and the 2 headed RB monster of ATL. Look for Alex to pull the sword from the stone and terrorize humble farming villages next week, marauding and slashing into week 2.

85% - 16.13 pts: Quad Squad (0-0) v Goon Squad (0-0)

OOOOOOO baby baby its a wild world - its the quad squad vs the GOON squad in this weeks closest matchup of the week heading into MNF. The current margin sits at 9pts in favor of Nick, but Keith isn’t rolling over yet. He will need Josh Allen to only have eyes for GABE DAVIS and for Greg Zuerlein to go Messi in Miami to make this one interesting. Keith is playing the long game with Kamara and Taylor set to return around week 4-6 - until then - his bench is a wasteland, bringing in 10 pts in total this week. If Nick wins, look for his messages per day to increase above Meta’s rate limits and for our league thread to be suspended