Monday Night Football - Fantasy Preview - Week 8
A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will BE SUBJECT TO A HEALTHY DOSE OF ALTERNATIVE MINIMUM TAX
Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight
You remember learning about the “jaws of life” as a kid? That special tool that helped pry apart crashed cars to free the souls inside? If you are not familiar, you have not formally graduated first grade. Please go directly to your local elementary, do not pass go, do not stop at the liquor or the toy store (unless its Toy Harbor - Scott just informed be that a new Toy Harbor just dropped in TC). Anyway, this week - we experienced the jaws of death - as the top and bottom of the league chewed in to soft nougaty center of the standings. We had the winless and listless deliverying doordash level paddlings to the mid pack, while the OP 1% feasted and exploited like Bangladeshi bourgeoisie. Tonight, may we all gaze upon cedar point (make sure to wear protective eyewear), to see which ohioan squad will emerge victorious. MNFP IS BACK!
Games
(4-3) Cincinnati Bengals @ (2-5) Cleveland Browns
- 8:15 PM EST
- Line: CIN -3
Matchups
✅ Scott (6-1) v Matt #1 (4-3)
Two exceptional outings from both of these squads as we saw both go > 135 pts. Unfortunately, the spoils went to the manager of the powerful pollard and waddle tandem - combining for 60 pts and an absolute L for the shia labeouf apologist from royal oak - Matt #1. Scott did all this with Kelce and Jamar Chase on the bench… We need to do something to nerf his team of basement quants ASAP, perhaps a really nice pleasure novel, with light themes of forbidden love and interspecies canoodling?
99% Alex (6-1) v Nick (4-3)
Alex came in incredibly aggresive, both on the name change and the points projected in this one. Currently sitting on a 1.6 pt margin over nick but still with the entirety of the Bengals team still to play. Yahoo projects that Alex could potentially take home this week’s “OHHHHHH YEA THATS GOOD - Burlap Bandicoot Ida Potato BIGGEST SACK OF THE WEEK” as Burrow Boyd and Mixon prepare to pile drive Nick’s pale carcass into the foresaken barren earth of Ohio tonight. Kamara and Brown might have strung together to strongest duo of the year, with a cumulative total of 75 pts betwixt the two of them. Nick is poised to clean it up johnny in weeks to come though, with a combined 75 pts on his bench.
99% Matt #2 (0-7) v Keith (3-4)
Keith is going to need Hayden “put you in a” Hurst to go absolutely bezerk tonight to avoid the biggest blowout. If Hurst can manage anywhere in the 50 to 60 points ballpark, this one could get interesting. MATT #2 looks to slap a tally in the W column as he finally exploded with 36 points from Cali boy CMC and great outings across the board. This one has us asking ourselves, is Matt prepared to make an unexpected playoff / spoiler run here in the back half of the season? How will Keith respond to getting absolutely lambasted by the worst team this league has ever seen? Will I die alone? Etc
98% Hy (5-2) v Patrick (4-3)
When we breath our final breaths, will we remember if we won or lost week 8 of the 2k22 FF season, or will our mind drift back to spending time with friends and family? I can sleep soundly for eternity knowing that I watched very little NFL football this past weekend, exchanging that time for wandering that natural beauty of the Las Vegas strip with Matt #2. And yes - this photo was profesionally taken. I can only hope that club PED did the same with his little moments. Hopkins darn near retired the Robotripped Botany Bish before EoD sunday, but now - its up to Amari pooper to drop a 35 spot deuce on Doan’s freshly manured, newly constructed, back yard garden to make this one interesting.
97% Diego (1-6) v Skylar (3-4)
Yahoo algo really tweaking the logical coefficient of their CNNs in this one, as they have it at ~3% that higgins goes for -12 tonight to bring Skylar back from the dead. Higgins would have to trigger the “assault an opponent in the post game tunnel for negative 20” clause for Skylar to have a case. Diego looks to keep with W streak alive in the weeks to come, as Derrick Henry finally showed signs of this prior self with a 35 pt outing. To add insult to Skylar’s injury, Diego flexed his delts by leaving Hurts on the bench, lats by having CEH on bye, and donkey D by expecting Cordarrelle Patterson to return from injury soon. Ay papi!
64% Dan (4-3) v Jam (2-5)
IN THE MAIN EVENT - it’s the on fleek streakers from colorado up against the wicked pissahs from the underground classrooms of Boston’s hallowed academic halls - JY’s JAMMYS. The current balance sits in equilibrium, like the egyption tax collector’s weighted scales at 103 pts a PIECE. Dan - cinci D and K vs Jam’s CHUBB. This one is liable to last until the very end so make sure to tune in and spam plenty of nonsense in the chat. The more we can contribute to Meta’s server spend, the longer we can delay being forced to perform data labor for Scott, Alex, and Hy (the leagues new 1%) in the metaverse.