Monday Night Football - Fantasy Preview - Week 3

September 26, 2022

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will HAVE A FOOTBALL PUNTED DIRECTLY UP THEIR RECTUM AND AROUND THE CORNER

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

For the first time in a while - we only have two matchups with action in tonight’s MNF game. Maybe that means that no one will read this - that I am yelling into the void. But isn’t that what we are all doing in our own way? The years go by, the leaves change, the Lions are 1-2 with a avg loss margin of 3.5 pts for seemingly the 10th year in a row - and I am at peace under my writing nook in the sycamore tree out back. The soft afternoon sun of an early fall day lazily refracts down on my cheek from the canopy when what’s that noise? No… impossible, the earth begins to churn and drop away like that Bane scene @ Heinz Field - I hear a demented laugh, and then I see him… THE UNDERMINER WEARING A ZEKE ELLIOT STYLE CROP TOP


(1-1) Dallas Cowboys @ (2-0) New York Giants

  • 8:15 PM EST - 2:15 AM CET
  • Line: NYG -1.0


✅ Jam (0-2) v Keith (2-0)

Like an obituary, this one is tough to write. Before yesterday, we all really thought there was a chance Jam would go winless on the season - and frankly, he would have deserved it. But NAY. Riding Lamar in absolute pursuit of the bag - Lamar turned the 7 bums into 7 mums. And those 7 mums baptized Keith like he was their precious newborn. Relentless rounds of Dunkaroo with Taylormade’s soft supple cranium - the 44 point margin makes this one the “OHHHHHH YEA THATS GOOD - Burlap Bandicoot Ida Potato BIGGEST SACK OF THE WEEK”

✅ Diego (0-2) v Matt #2 (0-2)

After 2 weeks of abuse, Diego shook loose the cobwebs and fillibusted Matt #2 all the way back to Cleveland. We can only assume and hope that Matt’s gross negligance to score points is due to his hopping right back on the browns bandwagon, ready to be hurt again as they sit atop the AFC north. This one was sweet for the basement fantasizer, third most points this season - and playing a nearly optimal lineup. Diego is back, like coronavirus was a lot.

✅ Alex (1-1) v Matt #1 (1-1)

Both teams fell short of expectation this week, but Alex fell less short. Plenty to be excited about in this one, if you are easily excitable like my aunt darleen when the QVC ladder salesman bares abdomen. We are all happy that Alex was able to secure this W whilst on his honeymoon - the literature (and advanced analytics) say it truly is all downhill from here. Matt better not have been lying when he said he likes diggin holes, as his playoff dreams sank a bit deeper in this one. Enjoy Europe - Matt definite14y WONT ;P swat y09ur house while you are gone. lloyd ave

✅ Patrick (1-1) v Nick (1-1)

This one was close, but in the end - Nick was left cigarless in Seattle. Zach “GoGurtz” Ertz raised the bloodpressure of bettors towards the end - but and early RB2 injury and the Miami buttblasting rump punt was eventually too much to overcome for “I’m the purple Tinky Winky”. Look for Nick to bounce back next week with some rising bench talent in Olave. The remote robotrippin gardener will move to 2-1 and has been vocal about his intent to move back to “detroit” for some time to “check in on the team” and “make sure everything is A1”

91% Hy (2-0) v Skylar (2-0)

Skylar heads into tonight with a 14 point lead, but Doan will be bringing the rain with his 3 pronged cannibalizing attack of Saquan, CeeDee, and the Dallas jumbo D. If Skylar can make it down to Austin tonight, and possibly manage to cram a ball down Hy’s gullet far enough to manipulate his lineup, this one might get close. Remember, as Skylar’s Chargers D taught us this week - defenses can get negative points! The victor here will have a chance to move into sole possesion of first place, and therefore - become the rightful recipient of all future embargos. Skylars 76.84 points were good enough for the third lowest showing this season.

59% Scott (2-0) v Dan (0-2)

In the marquee matchup of the night - the current advantage is 4 for Scott, with both squads featuring a Dallas running back. Will it be ZEKE the freakizoid or Pollard the bollard. Through 2 games this year, Pollard is outpacing Zeke 21 to 11, but all the experts still like Zeke in the start. “Bronco’s Country Let’s Ride” was enveloped in controversy this week - after it was leaked that the team’s manager both employed no bronco players, and had defrauded hard working Mississippians of tens of thousands of $$$. The fraudulant shadow figure from the Rockies remains the people’s champion of the league as he looks to fall to 0-3.