Monday Night Football - Fantasy Preview - Week 14

December 12, 2022

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will BE HOPPED ON LIKE A HUNGRY MAN ON A CHRISTMAS HAM

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

It is the final week of the regular season - and we enter tonight with the final playoff spot still up for grabs. It has been a helluva regular season, with games happening weekly or whatever but a total of 13 MNFPs PUBLISHED. You really could not ask for more (with the exception of asking for 14/14). As we enter playoffs - and bid adieu to the regular season - let us remember the good times that were had endlessly toiling away at our lineups, FAAB dumping to contend with Scott’s army of basement quants, and watching the first few minutes of red zone until our loss liklihood became high enough to ruin our day. For those eliminated, remember the journey - because the destination is not a pretty sight. Enough waxing poetic, enough just sorta jackin it, it’s time to get into the final matchups still up for grabs. THIS is the MNFP - Go 🤬🤬🤬🤬 yourself San Diego.


(6-6) New England Patriots @ (4-8) Arizona Cardinals

  • 8:15 PM EST
  • Line: -2.5 NE


99% - 72.54 pts: Broncos country let’s ride (8-5) v Patrick MaHomer D’oh! (7-6)

Heading into this week, Nick controlled his own destiny. Win - and he’s in. But currently down 56 with 1 more RB of Dan’s to play - it looks as though hes opting for the more complicated scenario. Dan hopes to trot Rhamondre Stevenson out to contend for biggest blowout of the season (78 pts) as Bronco’s country effortlessly delivers his second straight “OHHHHHH YEA THATS GOOD - Burlap Bandicoot Ida Potato BIGGEST SACK OF THE WEEK”. Dan will enter the playoffs on a white hot 5 game winning streak - where he has averaged over 125 ppg. At this point, Nick is left groveling for a Matt #1 loss as his only playoff outcome. Having been reduced to a bitter gambler only praying for a young man’s downfall - look for Nick to anger chomp the rest of his stocked Oreos tonight, and potentially take to the chat to post some aggressive mèmès.

✅ - 27.14 pts: Himmy Crouton (8-5) v happy jamo noises (9-4)

Alex slightly exceeded projections for the week - but unfortunately came up very short otherwise against Himmy Crouton’s rage kong like playoff tirade. This victory should make 9 straight victories between the Wilson brothers - highly suggestive of some sort of collusion. Alex returns a number of playmakers from bye next week - and should be a tough first round opponent as the 5 seed - likely facing #4 Dan. In the end, Alex was vocal about not caring about results this week - and that really resonated around the virtual club pengiun style lockerroom with his players. Presumably attempting to build up some cosmic karma he planned to cash in for his true prize: a Lion’s victory.

93% - 12.94 pts: Doja Cat’s Dojo Mat (2-11) v Researcher@ TexasFARTInstatoot (3-10)

Make that two drubbings in a row by Doja Cat’s Dojo Mat against the dishonerable Researcher@ TexasFARTInstatoot. In a mad dash last effort to not be the worst team in this league’s history - Matt #2 has been a tear to save some face with a few final pity victories. Astonishingly, this victory will be enough to vault Matt #2 over Keith for leagues lowest avg PPG on the season. Bad job Keith! Though Matt #2 will still be the bottom seed in the loser’s bracket this year - his tenacity lately has opponents shaking in their boots. Skylar will need the Arizona prickly cactus D to drain Matt and his Kicker Nick Folk’s knee of fluid to bridge the current gap of 15 pts tonight to salvage the week.

77% - 10.21 pts: Endless fool (10-3) v Club PED (11-2)

In the battle for the #1 seed - it is looking like Hy’s reign of terror might be coming to an end. Down 23 with only DeAndre Hopkins still to do battle - he will need points, and lots of em’, to prevent his incredible 7 game win streak from collapsing like the dutch economy after the tulip bubble finally burst. A win for Scott here would put him at #1 overall and poised to lock up the $400 purse in just a few weeks - a modest/poor return on investment for his $100,000s in quantative labor costs over the last few months. Both of these teams pack a punch - but will they remember to pack a lunch… in the recess of playoffs?

76% - 10.1 pts: I Like Diggin Holes (6-7) v Fantasizing in mom’s basement (5-8)

THEY DON’T MAKE EM LIKE THEY USED TO - IT’S MONDAY NIGHT AND WE HAVE A CERTIFIED CLASSIC ON OUR HANDS. Matt #1 currently sits down 20 big ones to the Don Juan of Tejas - DIEGO with Kyler “Furry” and Marquise “Boysenberry” Brown still to take the field. It is win and advance - or lose and CRY time for the hole aficionado. Bad news: last week, Marquise and Kyler combined for only 0 points. Good news: last week was AZs bye, and the duo generally averages ~30+ between the two of them. What will happen tonight? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT.

50% - 0.03 pts: JY (5-8) v Broncos Country Let’s Ride (4-9)

LOOK AT THAT PROJECTED MARGIN OF VICTORY PEOPLE - we really had to wait until a meaningless week to have our closest ever margin heading into MNF. This one is so close, that it broke my brittle webscraper which assumed there would never be a 50/50 split in probability. AND IM STILL PISSED ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME IT TOOK ME TO TRACK DOWN THAT BUG. James Connor is the last insurgant remaining for C.O.D. Private Keith. Tune in to see who will prestige in tonight’s clash of the local militia. Condolences go out to Jimmy “Jam” Yontz, for only now - seeing
Jerick McKinnon come alive for 30 pts, on the bench.