Monday Night Football - Fantasy Preview - Week 13

December 5, 2022

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will HAVE THEIR MARRIAGE DISMANTLED BY ChatGPT PROVDING BETTER EMOTIONAL, AND EVENTUALLY PHYSICAL, SUPPORT TO THEIR SPOUSE OVER TIME

Koch Safari League Preview Watch Guide for Tonight

Well paddle my rump and call me “Mademoiselle Finch”, its another edition of the MNFP - the world’s least profitable long form thought piece for any and all things Harry Koch. There is a somber mood settling over the league this evening, as ChatGPT is at the door, threatening to displace us all - and beloved QB Baker Hayfield is there at the door as well, asking for work. Tonight could very well ratify 2 more of our eventual 6 team playoffs - and set the stage for an absolute slug fest of a week 14 rivalry week for the final spot. Meanwhile - tension is brewing at the top of the league for the first round byes. Read on to learn more - nothing matters, we are getting automated.


(4-8) New Orleans Saints @ (5-6) Tampy Bay Buccaneers

  • 8:15 PM EST
  • Line: TB -3


99% - 37.06 pts: Broncos country let’s ride (7-5) v SMH (4-8)

I am always reminded of the fact that we live in a simulation, by the Buccaneers record. I only see them lose, but every time I check in, their record has improved. Keith hopes to be the benificiary of this simulation again tonight as he is going to need over 50 pts from the TB Defense to avoid a devastating loss towards his fantasy playoff chances, and his chances of getting the opportunity to look his daughter in the eyes, and telling her that her daddy “is a fighter”. A win here would lock in Dan’s playoff berth like DockWa recently locked in Catalina Island Marina’s berth(s) into their system. This should make 3 times Keith has recieved the “OHHHHHH YEA THATS GOOD - Burlap Bandicoot Ida Potato BIGGEST SACK OF THE WEEK.”

95% - 21.27 pts: Robotripping Gardener (7-5) v Fantasizing in mom’s basement (5-7)

Diego is fighting for his life to stay in the playoff hunt, but his chances are quite likely to be extinguished - survivor style tonight, unless Godwin can drop 34 on the boy. Godwin is on a tear lately though, with 18 catches, 2 TDs and 200+ yards over 2 games in the past 2 weeks. A rising recipient of Tom Brady’s fancy (displacing Tom’s son) - things could get interesting tonight. A win here would lock in the robo gardener snake into playoffs - and offer a sliver of consolation for the countless hours he has devoted to the creation of this fine (caldecott medal winning - “most distinguished American picture book for children”) publication.

92% - 16.82 pts: Joshy Fallen slaps desk (6-6) v FantasyPros Brand Ambassador (10-2)

Nick hopes to solidfy a HUGE victory over league juggernaut and goodyear blimp captain Scott in tonight’s 2 man showdown. It’s Olave and a 14 pt lead vs the wrought iron money booting foot of Ryan Succop. If Scott can get Ryan to go for over 15 (something he has done ~0 times this season), things will get spicy in the chat. A loss for Scott will potentially put him in a 3 way tie for first, heading into rivalry week - and provide an opportunity for him to squander his first round bye - prodigal son style. Pay attention to this space

79% - 9.2 pts: Doja Cat’s Dojo Mat (1-11) v Researcher@ TexasFARTInstatoot (3-9)

Matt really waited until week 13 to start flexing on the league. He need’s Mike Evans to score just 2.4 pts tonight to get him win #2 and to prove that that other single time he won WASN’T a fluke. Evidently emboldended by Deshaun’s return - Doja Cat’s Dojo Mat looks to sweep Skylar under the rug - Mazi Smith style. There is still time for Skylar to claim this years worst regular season team - and he is well on his way towards claiming the honor. Better luck next week, in what is likely to be a rematch for the (dis)honor.

✅ - 4.62 pts: I Like Diggin Holes (5-7) v JY (5-7)

STUNNING finish is this weeks sole matchup to have no remaining implications in tonight’s MFP game - Matt #1 was able to lock up an integral win over JY Jelly’s squad behind the absolute anvil of a shin bone of Robby “goblin mode” Gould. Jam’s strategy of “having a bunch of guys just do - kinda fine 🤷” once again did not pay for the disgruntled manager as this one should be the final nail in the coffin of James’s playoff chances - provided Nick secures the win. No one makes Freiermuth Frei his own muth.

59% - 1.91 pts: FUCK IT UP KENNETH (9-3) v Club PED (10-2)

In tonight’s MAIN ATTRACTION - it’s the battle atop Mt. Olympus as our leagues #2 and #3 show down in a critical fight for the playoff byes. What was trending towards an easy lock for Alex has turned into a nailbiter as current projections have this one coming down to less than 2 pts as a decider! Booned by the Dallas defense’s 24 pt clobering on the Jeff Saturday’s “everyone plays center now” Colts - Hy will look for 12 pts from TB’s Rachaad White to secure the win - and lock in a bye for Scott. Ra (giga) chaad has gone for 12 just twice before but should continue with lead back duties tonight - possibly dropping doody on the back of forever plaid’s lead tonight.