Monday Night Football - Fantasy Preview - Week 13

December 7, 2020

A weekly newsletter for members of the Harry Koch Memorial Cup Fantasy Football league - all others will have their DOWRY FORCIBLY INVESTED INTO TESLA CALLS


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Forward

Despite having 19 additional starters to take the field across the leagues 6 matchups in the coming 3 games - the yahoos at Yahoo do not give the current projected losers more than a 20% chance to come back in any of them. We are in the final week of regular season and the top 6 playoff teams appear to be determined - however, a fierce battle to get out of the bottom 4, and avoid the toilet bowl wages on. As it stands now, Scott, Diego, and Cam are all projected to finish at 5-8 on the season and within a few points scored of each other. Paired with Matt #2 and Patrick rounding out the bottom of the league, the stage is set for some bottom feeder drama over the next few days. Pull up a (high) chair, crack an apple sauce, and put on a fresh diaper - because it is time for this year’s final regular season MONDAY AND TUESDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL PREVIEW.


Games

Monday

(4-7) Washington Football Team @ (11-0) Pittsburgh Steelers

  • 5 PM EST
  • Line: PIT -6.5

(8-3) Buffalo Bills @ (5-6) San Francisco 49ers

  • 8:15 PM EST
  • Line: SF -1.0

Tuesday

(3-8) Dallas Cowboys @ (6-5) Baltimore Ravens

  • 8:05 PM EST
  • Line: BAL -8.5


Matchups

99% Scott (4-8) v Dan (6-6) aka “Dan-tes Inferno”

Waller finally became a baller in the last week of the regular season putting up 38.5 pts far far far too late to salvage Scott’s season in this projected 36 point drubbing of the Last Chance U (suck). Even with the loss, Dan’s playoff standing remains unchanged as he will head into next week as the 5 seed over all. Scott however, will become a big bills kicker fan tonight as he hopes to get enough points from Tyler Bass to propel himself out of the bottom 4 and into the hearts of all those people who love the guy whose 8th out of 12.

99% Matt #1 (10-2) v Hy (6-6) aka “Matt’s not wearing hockey pads”

Matt finishes out the regular season in style delivering this week’s BUILT FORD TOUGH - OUCHY OUCHY POWER THRASH squarely atop the dome of Hy and Snuckles’ Knuckles. Matt’s second thrashing of the season and Doan’s first time getting the (metaphorical) leather. Matt looks unstoppable riding a 6 game win streak into the post season as the overall 1 seed. The lead currently sits at 68 in this one with claypool vs juju + hollywood brown still to play. Doan also secured his 6th overall playoff spot with an abysmal final effort, ending the season on a 3 game losing streak, and losing the very essence of self along the way.

97% Keith (5-7) v Cam (5-7) aka “Listless in Louisiana (Sleepless in Seattle parody)”

TOLD Boi-1da that we might got a THUMPER! Big Bad KEITH uncorked his moonshine, guzzled the canteen and absolutely eradicated the Kamarican Dream in this one. Currently up by 30 with zeke and mostert still to face off against questionable Big Ben. Unfortunately, Keith’s final record of 6-7 is tied for 5th overall in the league, but a few down weeks early in the season will likely put him out by points scored after the final numbers come in. Now all of the sudden, Cam is at risk to finish in the bottom 4 as he will fall to 5-8 with low points scored. Look for him to scratch and claw for a few final points tonight to come out on top of Scott and Diego’s final totals to avoid being enrolled in the Tua Toiletvagloa Bowl.

99% Nick (9-3) v Alex (8-4) aka “Bad JuJu”

In the battle for the most overall regular season points, Too Many Cooks holds a 26 pt advantage over the incumbent team without a name. As it is projected now, Matt will pass Alex in points scored but Nick should hold on to the crown while confirming his #2 spot in the playoffs - much to the dismay of the entire league. A team has no name also solidified the third spot with this effort. Alex continues to violate all tenants of a faithful wolverine / lion by going ahead and starting a collection of buckeyes and packers - the latest being JK Dobbins. The traitor hopes for dobbins and the pit defense to break all fundamental ground truths of football and score ~ 100 more points in the coming days to steal the scoring crown.

95% Diego (4-8) v Patrick (4-8) aka “Fifty shades of sad”

Surley Girl currently holds a 16 point lead over the even keeled and esteemed ex robotrippin gardener and current boycotting Amazon advocate Patrick. This news could not be more gut wrenching to the league and nation at large as the gardener has become a household treasure and idol over the years to many. A loss here would cement Patrick’s position at the bottom of the league as the only team to go 4-9 despite making upwards of 50 brilliant tactical moves and 3 blockbuster trades over the course of the year. All hope is not lost however as BIG BAD BENNY THE SNELL stands in the way - a gilded sentinel in the night - hopefully able to overcome the 16 pt current deficit plus the combined efforts of Surley’s Zach Moss, Eric Ebron, and Stepon Diggs. This is the type of matchup that makes you question every decision you have ever made especially the decision to pour upwards of 100 hours into this league across the MNFP, team management, watching games, and sending memes in the chat much to the detriment of personal and professional relationships alike - levying a crushing blow to one’s physical, mental and emotional health. Diego now looks to ride this 2 game win streak out of hell and blast into the purgatory layer with enough points to land in 8th or 9th place.

80% Matt #2 (4-8) v Jam (7-5) aka “Oculus tiff”

You have to hand it to him folks. After a catastrophic fall from graces, Matt #2 appears poised to miraculously pull out of his 5 game losing streak nose dive and end the season on a positive note with a win. In an unorthodox week so far, the 2XPOWER-THRASH Alum picked up sub 5 points from Wince and started a non playing CEH but currently sits with a 25 pt lead over Jam largely thanks to the classic 30+ point effort from the Pat’s defense. Anything could happen in this one though as Jam still has 3 players to play to Matt’s 2. Regardless of outcome here however, Matt will finish the season in 11th and Jam in 4th. Life is meaningless and likely a simulation.


TiL Week 13 Fun Facts

  • The Detroit Lions scored 34 points one time in 43 games under Matt Patricia. They’ve scored 34 in their first game after his firing.
  • Baker Mayfield’s passing grade with Odell in 2020: 57.3 Baker Mayfield’s passing grade since Odell’s injury: 90.6