Monday Night Football - Fantasy Preview - Week 1

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Forward

Every instinct I have has told me to hang up the quill after 1 season as chairman and provocateur of the fabled MNF Preview. Has it put strain on my past relationships? Of course. Could one make the claim that the time spend on last years editions accelerated my eventual lay off from my last job? You bet your ass. However, what my brain, heart, and most trusted friends fail to acknowledge is the fact that creating this newsletter, this Shakespearian tragedy if you will, is a vital cog, nay, cornerstone in the relentless butter churn of life. And tampering with the cosmic stuff that gently rocks the crib of humanity is an action reserved for the Gods and rising TikTok stars like Patrick Mahomes’s little brother Jackson.

So without any additional circumstance and only a little dash of pomp, let’s get into week 1. A week much like your experimental middle school years where you attend warped tour and try snorting dirt, where the school bully throws your football in the dumpster and stomps your MP3 player, only a select few will look back upon this time fondly. We all learned a little about our teams this week and we can all agree that a couple of teams appear to need some milk. With the MNF opening double header approaching, a couple teams are left hoping for a miracle from the 10 started slots across the two games.

Games

(0-0) Pittsburg Steelers @ (0-0) New York Giants

• 7:10 PM EST
• Line: PIT -6

(0-0) Tennessee Titans @ (0-0) Denver Broncos

• 10:10 PM EST
• Line: TEN -3

Matchups

✅ Keith (0-0) v Diego (0-0) aka “More like DiegNO”

Keith’s hands off approach to team management last year must have been an advanced level multi year play to lull league members to sleep, as he uncorks a league high 157 points to secure a massive 54 pt blowout win over Diego. Thielen it Mr Crabs, rode a team high 28 pts from its norse namesake as well as 26 from zeke “the douche” Elliott to trounce Ruggs are bad mkay in a major way - Look for Diego to bounce back by scoring more points or maybe having his opponent score less next week idk

99% Matt (0-0) v Scott (0-0) aka “Scotty doesn’t know”

Scott received a sum of 3.7 pts from his two 2 WRs while Matt 1,2 stepped (Ciara’s husband) along Russell Dillson’s 32 pt night to a 21 pt lead heading into Monday night. All scott needs is for Darius Slayton to go for -21 tonight and he will be riding into week 2 with an unblemished record. As a reminder, that could be done a number of ways, for example: 6 lost fumbles and -90 yards receiving would do the trick. Scott kicking both his horse and himself along the old town road after leaving a smooth 25 on the bench across Aaron Rodgers 30 pt day and a breakout performance from colts Nyheim Hines. A full investigation has been launched to see how Matt ended up with the pats D again (3 ints despite Cams bio hazard toxic sludge pregame apparel and his big gulp bucket of iced tea)

95% Alex (0-0) vs Cam (0-0) aka “Juju and silver spoon”

Alex heads into Monday night down 19 pts but has 4 slots still to take the field in game one of the MNF double header. Cam is holding out for a complete offensive and defense failure from the steelers as Big Ben, Juju, and the steelers D, must keep their cumulative total combined with Evan engram TE numbers under 19. The odds are not good but Alex does have a fiery temper and a slippery disposition - look for him to potentially bench a few of his power players prior to the game in a brazen act of pride and insanity. Cam didn’t have an awful week but just suffered slight underperformance across his lineup, a telltale sign of a couple of his guys needing some milk.

93% Dan (0-0) v Matt (0-0) aka “Bezos vs Musk aka hard body vs jelly belly”

Matt suffered an overly efficient drew Brees 14 pt win and a horrendous -4 pt showing from the viking D to put himself in a position where James Conner will need 34 points tonight to make things interesting against Dan and Last Chance U (suck). Dan was able to survive offensive showings from OBJ and mark Ingram to position himself well for his first win of 2020, life moments outside of this league included. This one not fully out of hand, so check back in if you see Conner start to rumble, much like my tummy is right now after burning 30 cals fever dream typing this sport 95 theses of sorts.

89% Nick (0-0) vs Jimmy (0-0) aka “The pen island Bic Jamboree”

When you think of a single WR who you can count on to get you 29 pts on Monday night, who do you think of? Jam thinks of (Traverse City West) Titan AJ Brown. In a matchup of powerful teams, most cumulative points around the league, nick rode his QB, both WR, and both RBs to >20 pt outings while still leaving 15 pts on his bench with hockenson and edmonds having great days. Look for nick to be a high octane threat this year and look for jam to constantly miss which weeks are worth starting Sammy Watkins and cam newton.

73% Hy (0-0) vs Patrick (0-0) aka “Banded side shuffles for Harambe”

In the archeological matchup with the most points left to dust off, Patrick trails Hy by 26 heading into Monday night’s fossil dig frat party - sponsored by chi phi’s pre-hysterical “bone boys”. On the bad man’s side, Doan rolls out big bad derrick Henry aka the human trapezoid aka Kawaii Leonard’s sensei. On the other side, from the lush garden planet of Naboo, Patrick’s fairly compensated and well supported mental health duo of saquads Barkley and Melvin Gordon III will emerge from their cocoons to attempted to overcome this unfortunate deficit that has befallen such a well meaning and empathetic squad from the robotrippin gardener

TiL Week 1 Fun Facts

• The three CA league members / housemates likely registered the 3 lowest point totals in the league this week
• The crown of Jaimie Collins’s Lions head butt contacted an officials sternum with an estimated force of 5 newtons (roughly the force of gravity acting upon 10 snickers bars)